Kerstins Words

Today, a client of mine sent me the warmest words. A review in the form of a short birth story, as well as reassurance that I truly have found my calling. I had a hard time reading how she perceived my presence at her birth without tears. I am so thankful, to every single individual that has invited me into their sacred space. To feel say I feel honored is an understatement, you all do hold an unbelievably special place in my heart. Below are her words:

“Before I met Hayden, I had had two natural childbirths with my doula Samm. So naturally, when I became pregnant with my third child, I called up my doula Samm to make sure I could get her for my third. But with my luck, my doula was also pregnant due within days of myself. I was sad but she said she usually goes late and had a backup doula, her own doula Hayden. So I thought ok perfect, and didn’t worry much about it.

But just in case, I decided to call up Hayden and say Hello and just let her know my birth plan. We had a one-hour conversation or less and didn’t speak again until my birth. I figured ehh I won’t even need her because Samm will go late. Well then Samm gave birth two days before me, and I knew Hayden would be my doula.

I honestly was very upset. Samm has always been there for me and was there for my other two births, and I didn’t really know Hayden. I honestly cried and then just texted Hayden to prepare for the inevitable.

Dreams crushed, I pushed forward and took it step by step. As my last labor was fast (only 4 hours) and Samm arrived for the last hour or so, I figured I wouldn’t really even need Hayden that much. More of just extra help and for the photography as well as the comfort of my husband and mother.

Fast forward to my delivery, for the first time ever, my water broke first and I was strep B positive so had to rush to the hospital for antibiotics. I wasn’t even in labor. Then within an hour, contractions every three minutes and another hour later and they were every 1.5-2 mins apart. And this all started at 10pm at night.

I was exhausted but with how fast and strong my contractions were, I was hopeful. Hayden stayed in touch with me the whole way. She took a cat nap and met me at the hospital around midnight. At first, I was handling things well and had such a nice conversation with Hayden and she did everything I needed her to do while my husband got some rest. Then four hours later, things picked up and I begged to be checked. I had barely dilated a cm more than when I initially arrived and contractions were unbearable. I was mentally crushed and honestly couldn’t stand any of the hospital staff at the time or even my midwife. They just said things to me that were not helping and I felt no one understood how I felt or what I was trying to tell them.

But not Hayden. I mean I didn’t even really know her nor did she know me. But somehow she just took my hand and talked to me calmly and rationally and took in everything I said. Most importantly, somehow she knew when not to talk and just take my hand and look at me, I don’t even know how to describe it. The look in her eyes let me know she understood, and would not leave me and would do whatever I needed even if that meant just sitting there in silence, acknowledging my pain and not negating it or leaving me. She didn’t once think of herself or leave me for the 6 hours it took till I gave birth to my son.

I honestly was distraught and upset with everyone and my body. Why couldn’t I handle this? I’d done it twice before. Why wouldn’t my body do what I needed it to do faster? I was physically and mentally drained and sincerely without Hayden, I would not have made it through. She fed me crackers and honey sticks when I needed it. She gave me water and juice. She helped me change positions when I needed and wanted to and suggested positions to help move my labor along without pushing me to do things I didn’t want.

She was more than patient with me and made me feel at home. A complete stranger, who I had talked to an hour in total, somehow was able to put me at peace. And I can tell you, it is hard for me to open up and let people in. But here she was, someone soooo different to my doula Samm and someone who wasn’t even supposed to be there, but yet I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Somehow I was blessed to be given the perfect person that I needed for this very difficult and unexpected labor and delivery.

Initially, I was very sad and scared to not have the same doula I had always known, and yet Hayden made me feel comfortable and safe and really added to the experience. Can’t say a word she said or anything she did made me feel any way but comforted. I really wanted to kill everyone else at least once or twice during the ordeal but felt like the whole time she was on my side and said everything I needed and did everything I needed without even thinking of herself.

I was very skeptical and also had no comprehension of how much I would need Hayden. It’s pretty amazing how much she was able to help and put me at ease when she really didn’t know me. Honestly, she was everything I never knew I needed and more. Hayden will always have a special place in my heart and be a special part of my son for helping him on his birthday.”